The accident.
The car cradled you for the diminishing moments you drove. You drove down the roads finding comfort in your own mindless actions.
Signal, shoulder check, accelerate, turn, cancel signal, drive.
You drove on and on, letting the rain drip from your windshields like tears on a mother’s cheek. You felt the tame breeze coming from your AC across your face to allow for some sensual feeling. Barely enough to keep your mind present in this reality you ride.
Shoulder check, accelerate, turn, drive.
You feel the steering wheel in your palms, feeling each fiber of synthetic leather collide with the sweat you produce in some panic-ridden response to the speed of the road. That steering wheel has so much power, doesn’t it? One full rotation of the wheel. You could do that in an instant. It could send you and 20 tons of metal hurtling down the vast cliffs. That’s a lot of power. A lot of choice. Wanna try?
“No”
Accelerate, turn, drive.
You feel your thoughts curiously crawl through deeper and deeper into the graveyard of memories you tried to bury. Those gravestones you make so well, so distinguishable, and most importantly, so eternal. This place is but a blessing and a curse isn’t it? The feeling of being alone amongst the fog, finding some sort of sick solace in those you’ve killed. Is it power you feel? Is that why you do this?
“I don’t know”
You hit the steering wheel as if to try to beat the thoughts down to the deepest damn cave you condemned them to, but the shockwaves do not send the thoughts away. You curse at the pain in your hand, but your brain sends a million more curses to your consciousness in the forms of memories. The floodgates open, the road suddenly seems hazy. All you can see are those you tried so hard to forget, that you buried so deep that even the worms could not reach it as if in some way to keep them forever present in your mind. You like to know that you dug those graves, don’t you?
Confusion is a powerful drug. You can feel it now. You’ve driven so long that you have no clue where you are. The only thing you know is a deafening feeling of needing to escape, but you cannot pin exactly what from. So you floor it.
Accelerate.
Headlights, horns, and extreme road rage all barely phase you as you drive faster and faster down the road. Even as the necessity for focus grows exponentially with each positive gain in velocity, it is simply not there. That’s what you drive for though right? To not be present in your situation? In this confusing mesh of reality and the seeping insights of the past, each sense is cranked up to eleven as your body reacts to this sheer feeling of panic. You cannot stand it, the AC feels too cold, the sweat is suddenly too clammy, each raindrop pounds against your head, fueling your growing rage. The steering wheel, the only control you feel you have in this situation. The cliff, that grows ever closer comforts you in the possibility of an end.
Turn.
Your wheels launch off of the road.
Dive.
Was it really an accident?