It was a gorgeous day; my family had settled on the perfect place to fly our brand new kites. It was a field, with grass and dirt. The flat land stretched on and on forever. Walking to get our kites out of the car the wind blew against my face, slightly cold, and pretty breezy. It was just enough to lift my kite high above the slightly grey sky. Then it hits me, the disgusting smell of cow crap, the smell I’ve hated since birth. I complain, my parents say whatever and pull out the kites. Deciding I wouldn’t let some smelly cow feces ruin my day I ran out to the field with my crocs and kite. Little did I know, the damn animals would leave me sitting in the back of a car 40 minutes later. See, cow poop just looks like a brown mound, and in my memory still looks like a mound of dirt. My young mind thought the same, and in the joy and excitement of the day, decided it would be cool to spring jump myself off the mounds to get some extra air. So, I ran with my kite high behind me. I see my target “pile of dirt” and, fully commit to jumping onto it. “Squelch”, was the first sound going through my mind before the thoughts of “that wasn’t supposed to happen”. The thing that made this situation worse was the fact I was wearing crocs, you know, the shoes you normally wear with bare feet that have holes in them. So there I was, jumping out of the landmine of shit, and feeling the warm juices of digestion surround my feet. Grossly, when I walked back the crap was still in there, so the lifting of my feet lead to even more squelching and mushing of the grass turd smoothie. My mom looked at me, and somehow, managed to start cleaning the crap off while my sister and dad laugh hysterically. As I sat with my foot covered in paper towel in the back of the car, I vowed to never jump onto suspiciously placed dirt piles. As for the crocs, they got tossed away, burned, I don’t know. My mom made them mysteriously disappear the next day.
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Dear Jimmy;
This was quite amusing. I remember things like this happening when I was young as well. Your voicing was quite unique: almost satirical, and it was enjoyable to read.
To improve, I would pay some attention to commas and punctuation, and flow, perhaps, as well. Otherwise, you did a wonderful job.
Sincerely,
Tony
Dear Tony,
Thanks for reading and commenting on my post, I’m glad you enjoyed it! Also, thanks for the feedback, and I’m still trying to work on improving the flow of my writing.
From,
Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Your anecdote was a very funny one I shall admit. I had lots of fun reading it and loved how it got to the point but without leaving out crucial parts and important descriptive words/phrases.
As for making it better, I think that specific words such as the ‘still” in ” See, cow poop just looks like a brown mound, and in my memory still looks like a mound of dirt.” could be italicized to show emphasis or capitalized so that you when the reader reads it, it is a lot more clear to them how you wanted them to read it.
Thank you,
Amit